The True Pain of Being Much
by FreckledAdvocate
Summary: A really depressing outlook on life from Much's POV. A touching take on all the emotional stuff he's been through, as well as what led to his outburst in Series 2 finale. A profile of Much. Oneshot. Robin/Much friendship and thegang/Much friendship


_He has his precious Marian! He doesn't need me! Nobody cares about me. Or at least, I'm not special to anyone - of every single person I love, there is someone whom they love more than me. Robin has Marian, Will and Djaq have each other. John, well John probably loves us all, just me least of all. _

It was one of those kinds of nights. Much had waited for everyone to fall asleep, then he got up and quietly walked away from camp to fume over events of the day. This was happening more and more often recently, and he really had begun just to feel sad for the sake of it -in the hopes that someone would notice. Just so someone would follow him out and he could get caught - he wanted them to know they'd hurt him. But he couldn't help concealing this pain. After all, he was too nice to make anyone intentionally feel guilty on his behalf. The few times he'd almost been caught he was so mortified he'd hid himself, or lied (made excuses for his being up) - effectively enough that for whatever reason the various person had gotten up - they went back to bed without noticing Much's absence, or caring he'd gone. And this, more than anything, sent him spiraling back into despair.

_I would die for any of them. I am __**easily **__the most loyal of all of them. And they still treat me like nothing, like a nuisance. Don't they see all I do for them? Don't they understand all I've given up for them? And I am still the center of every joke. Everyone so easily laughs at clumsy old Much, stupid old Much, __**simple**__ old Much. _

This last statement was old now, it had been said many weeks ago, but it was because of who said it that it so scarred him. The man Much loved more than any other had said it to him, and still many weeks later it haunted him. Quietly, so as not to draw the attention he so desperately wanted but did not seek to himself, the man began to breath unevenly.

As always a sense of humiliation enveloped him. But he could not bring himself to stem the flow of tears that poured forth. _You weak man, this is why they do not like you as they like each other._

All his life Much had been an outsider. Since childhood he'd always looked up to Robin and did all he could to serve the boy who held a special place of friendship in his heart. Surely Robin knew that. And despite the fact that Much knew Robin loved him as a brother - that did not stop him from hurting Much's feelings from time to time. No one had liked him at that age, except Robin, and that was only sometimes - and he still didn't know why he'd been do rejected.

He remembered being caste out by the other servant's sons'. They refused to accept him as one of their own. They made fun of him, and laughed at him cruelly. Robin stood up for Much to them and they dared not go against a noble's son. That was when Much made his first real friend.

But even the young Robin grew impatient with the young Much. He would, like the others, tire of him at times. And Much couldn't fathom that because his heart was always open to those he loved - no matter how irritated he was. He couldn't understand that someone could ever shut their heart to him - if they loved him. So when they did shut him out there was only one conclusion - they didn't love him.

Another memory came to the poor man outside a camp of sleeping unperturbed outlaws. This memory was more recent, and therefore more raw. It was of himself trying desperately to soothe his master. He'd gone to try to help Robin -that's all he'd wanted to do. So he approached the man sitting on a hill outside Locksley - waiting for his love to be married to the man he hated, when no one else would approach him. He reached out to his friend in his attempt to show him that not all was lost. And Robin had lashed out at him. He said things… Much flinched in remembering.

What really upset him was that this might be how Robin truly feels about him. Does his friend show his true colors only when he's irritated and despondant - revealing his true feelings toward and about Much? Or is this some breech in character, and Robin really does care about him as his best friend?

Much sobbed quietly. _I followed this man to war! _This thought in of itself sent horrifying bloody memories flooding back into Much's brain, that he tried unsuccessfully to push out. _I suffer nightmares constantly because of that man, and I still remain loyal to him! He took me to war and what do I do? I follow him into the bloody forest! And how does he repay me? With petty insults, by hurting me, and taking me for granted._

After Robin said such hurtful mean things to him that day on the hill in Locksley, it was Much who saved him from himself. It had been Much who saved Robin's love from Gisbourne - not for her sake (although as her friend also he didn't want to see her married to such a foul being) but he really did it for his master. _And did I ever receive a thank you? Of course not! I should really just stop expecting to get one for any of the things I do around here. Just like I should stop being surprised by people's lack of caring when it comes to me in this camp._

His mind jumped to a few days before. He'd just wanted someone to tell him the 'good bit', that was all. Was that really a punishable offense? And then unaided, he'd found it himself. _Robin was alive! And that was good. Didn't Robin see that this was my way of reaching out to my master, my friend. That this was an honest to God moment of that I poured out my heart to portray the love I felt, and the appreciation for Robin?_

Apparently not. Apparently none of them had seen this - or they did and they rejected it - by throwing bits of food at him. They threw food at him as he was trying to let his feelings show through. _They used food I prepared for them too! _Anger blazed through him to mix with pain _The irony! _

Much sat there dejectedly for a while and just stared up at the starry sky. He wiped his eyes disgusted with himself, but also aware that this would not be the last of his nightly walks alone in the forest. _When it all comes down to it, I'm just lonely… _But he didn't know how to remedy this. The very fact of it just depressed him more, even though poor Much was done crying for tonight.

_Sometimes I wish that something would happen to me. That I would get captured by Gisbourne or taken by the Sheriff. Just so that the others get a sense of missing me - so I will know what it feels like to be worried about, rather than just to worry. God! How pathetic is that?! _

So Much stared for awhile neither wanting to stay where he was, nor go to bed. He was calm at this point but wanted the liberty to be sad for a spell - because no one knew of it in the daytime, and he had this freedom only now, at night. He wondered if anyone was ever going to bother to get to know him well enough to realize when he's upset. When Robin, or one of the others is sad, it registers instantly within Much and he turns sympathetic. He wonders why no one has that sense with him, and it makes him sad. _No one knows me well enough to even know that I'm upset. _He sighed and rose to his feet, ready to go to bed.

As he approached the camp he heard a rustling and his heart froze in panic. _I hope whoever it is didn't know where I was! How embarrassing! _He quickly wiped his eyes again lest they betray him by being red and puffy, but they weren't - he was good at hiding his pain. He take a breath to calm himself and walked into camp.

Robin was up, he was just sitting in the middle of camp - also watching the stars coincidentally. He was thoroughly startled when Much walked in; he jumped. "Much!" Robin whispered so as not to wake the others. "You scared me! Where have you been off to then?"

Much plastered a fake smile on his face, not knowing whether or not he wanted Robin to believe it (although he could take a guess in relations to his previous thoughts). He replied in an untrue light tone, "Oh I was just off getting some water from the stream; couldn't sleep."

Robin smiled back. He'd bought it. Somewhere in the back of Much's mind he screamed in frustration. Then Robin continued saying the worst thing he possibly could have said, still with that unsuspecting grin on his face, "I didn't even realize you were gone…"

And suddenly Much was overpowered by a weariness. He didn't have strength to deal with this tonight, and he excused himself to go to bed, Robin still none the wiser to Much's pain.

Much turned on his side so he didn't have to look at his beloved master. _Honestly Robin of Locksley, sometimes I feel as though you don't know me at all…_

--

That turned out a lot sadder than it was meant to be originally, but I just can't change it now. I'm the 'Much' with my friends (although don't we all feel like him sometimes) and so a lot of this is personal. I always get really angry when the gang abuses Much because, I know, it hurts. I got really infuriated at the end of 2x06 - in case you couldn't tell. So I guess I thought I'd just portray his pain. We all know Robin loves him (as a friend or a brother - if you want to turn this into something more go ahead, but its not supposed to be), and so does Much (if he really asks himself he knows) - but still why should it be kept silent. People never seem to realize how hurtful silence can be. Poor guy… So its really quite depressing, but its meant to be. Please review.


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